


the Tears he Couldn't Cry

by greendoodle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:19:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6565924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greendoodle/pseuds/greendoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>The sounds of the ambulance, the sirens from police cars, and the screams of nearby passersby did nothing. He didn’t hear anything at all. Choking back tears, Akaashi put his ear to that broad chest to hear the familiar heartbeat he knew and loved.</i>
</p><p> <i>Nothing at all.</i></p><p>or: Losing a loved one is hard, especially when a certain setter thinks it’s his fault and he can’t forgive himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the Tears he Couldn't Cry

**Author's Note:**

> A short fic I wrote for BokuAka Week 2016  
> Day 6: Prompt - ~~Graduation~~ / **REINCARNATION**
> 
> I heard the song Photograph by Ed Sheeran after I wrote this and I felt it worked with this fic so you guys can go listen to it while reading it or something XD

182 days. Half a year.

Although the days trickled by without delay, Akaashi Keiji felt as if he were trapped in some dream-like state of timelessness. Day after grueling day, he attended class at his university and afterwards, went straight back to his apartment, refusing to socialize with his peers – not that he did much of that to begin with. But, more than ever, he wasn’t motivated to go out and do anything despite the months that have passed.

Yet, he wonders what prompted him to agree to visit Hinata Shouyo at his workplace. He had received a text from the underclassman a week ago and although he initially chose to ignore it, Kuroo Tetsurou had shown up at his doorstep this winter morning to drag him along to Miyagi to the pet store the little Karasuno giant worked at.

Now, they were loitering next to the bird cages like a bunch of ne’er-do-wells, Kuroo humming a cheery tune, satisfied with himself for finally getting Akaashi to step outside his apartment. They were waiting for the ginger haired boy to finish helping another customer before explaining why they were called half the country over. Kuroo seemed to know what was up, in that know-it-all annoying way he handled things, but Akaashi didn’t feel like asking him and getting involved in one of his guessing games.

“Sorry about that,” Hinata chimed as he bounded over to greet the two of them. “I’m glad you came Akaashi-san, Kuroo-san!”

Akaashi smiled courteously at the underclassman who was still attending Karasuno in his last year. After being rejected from his college of choice, Hinata had decided he would work directly after getting out of high school, and thus, he became a part timer at a local pet shop. Akaashi was about to ask why Hinata wanted him in particular to come, but Kuroo beat him to the chase as he asked, “So, are they ready?”

Hinata beamed, beckoning them to follow him through the store. Akaashi was reluctant to do so without a reason, but he couldn’t help but smile softly at the little high schooler’s boundless enthusiasm. Although it pained him to think about it, it reminded him especially of—

“Almost there!”

Akaashi stopped abruptly in his tracks at that exclamation as he realized they were lead into a back room with cats, dogs, and other large animals. He looked around at all the cages, his heart twinging at the memory of how he had adored these animals and would often spend endless nights trying to convince Akaashi to adopt an owl or some other exotic creature. Akaashi turned to Hinata, clearly showing his disapproval to the high school senior. However, Hinata was unfazed, and proceeded to lead them further into the room where a small circle of bars surrounded a mass of small, whimpering husky puppies.

“Hinata-kun, I don’t really—” Akaashi began, intending to leave, but was cut off by Kuroo who immediately asked, “Where is he?”

Hinata grinned, pointing to a lone puppy at the side that, unlike the others, was excitedly running around, playing with toys, and yipping in short barks of three. Kuroo’s smile grew as he stepped into the cage and knelt down before the dog, letting it lick his hands and scamper over his feet. “Hey there, little fella, remember me?”

Akaashi stood at the side watching this, fiddling uncomfortably with his fingers. Hinata turned to him and explained that he had called him out to hopefully cheer him up after all that had happened. Akaashi smiled painfully at him, bowing in respect and thanking him for his kind thoughts. However, he was ready to leave now… or at least that was what he was about to say before Kuroo shoved the puppy he was playing with in his face.

“We named him Bokuto,”

Akaashi felt his insides twist at hearing that name, and his mouth went dry, words fading in his throat. He glared at Kuroo for even having the audacity to name the animal after his late upperclassman, but Kuroo only looked on at him, calmly assessing Akaashi’s reaction to “Bokuto.” He turned his eyes to stare at the dog, noticing the particular resemblance to his boyfriend in its amber eyes. Its fur was a natural mix of white and black, reminding Akaashi of the unruly mane Bokuto Koutarou had for hair. It was too much.

“Sorry,” he said, averting his eyes and stepping back. “I think I’m done for today.”

Hinata and Kuroo both opened their mouths to object, but they were silenced by rapid barks followed by whimpers from “Bokuto.” Akaashi flinched, looking back at the dog longingly, but also inwardly screamed at his legs to take him as far away as possible from this place.

Kuroo paused, placing the puppy down on the ground, “I know this is really sudden Akaashi, but I really think you should adopt him.” Akaashi shot daggers at him at that statement, but Kuroo refused to relent.

“I actually came here last week because Hinata contacted me too and he really has an uncanny resemblance to Bokuto. Look,” he said, motioning to the Frisbee on the cage closest to them, prompting Hinata to hand it to him. Kuroo grinned down at the puppy, flexing his arm back to throw the Frisbee across the expanse of the cage. Even though the toy had not left his hand, “Bokuto” seemed way too excited, jumping up and down, flecking slobber all over the floor. When it was released from Kuroo’s hand, “Bokuto” tripped once, but immediately sprang after it, catching it in its mouth and gnawing at it playfully.

“Kuroo-san, I really don’t see how—” Akaashi began, but was silenced by Kuroo’s “just wait.”

He proceeded to take the toy from the dog and this time threw it without warning. Although a bit taken aback, “Bokuto” flew across the floor in pursuit of the Frisbee, but this time, fell short of catching it, watching as it flopped lifelessly to the ground.

Although Akaashi refused to admit it, he waited with bated breath for the reaction he expected out of the puppy and sure enough, “Bokuto” dejectedly ignored the toy, walking away from it and looking extremely depressed. The tail that had been wagging furiously before was now motionless, curled up against its body. Akaashi bit his lip and tried, but failed to ignore the single thought running through his head.

“Reincarnated…” he whispered, hoping to stay out of earshot of Kuroo and Hinata, but the two of them grinned happily at each other upon hearing that. “I’m sorry, that’s…” he stared at the duo dumbfounded, feeling overwhelmed and confused. “…that’s not possible.”

He turned and ran out of the room as fast as he could.

\-----

Bokuto Koutarou was dead.

After he and Akaashi had both graduated from high school, Bokuto had secured an apartment for the two of them to live together, a considerable jogging distance from campus. He constantly reiterated how excited he was to live together with the person he loved most and honestly, Akaashi felt the same.

It had happened so suddenly that it seemed as if it were only a dream and not reality. It had only been about a month since they began living together when Bokuto invited Akaashi out to drink at a bar nearby. Akaashi had to firmly remind his upperclassman that he was underage, but was more than happy to accompany him as long as Bokuto agreed to drink moderately.

Akaashi still remembers it vividly. Their walk back was pleasant, romantic even. He had held his hand in Bokuto’s, endearingly listening to his boyfriend recount silly stories in slightly slurred words.

It wasn’t his fault, he tells himself. It wasn’t his fault, he lies.

The crosswalk had turned green allowing pedestrians to get to the other side. Akaashi gently led his slightly drunk boyfriend across the street as the stars shone brightly overhead. What happened next was only a blur. Akaashi only remembers a bright light that blinded his vision and suddenly, Bokuto had shoved him away roughly. When he opened his eyes amidst debris and the smell of smoke, he saw a large truck collapsed on the side of the road and in the light of the fires, he saw the still figure of his lover on the ground.

He doesn’t remember much after that. His breath hitched in his throat as he approached Bokuto. He watched silently as the pool of blood grew larger, gleaming in the flickering flames. He felt numb. He quickly grabbed his boyfriend’s hands, searching for a pulse, anything at all. He felt his face for warmth, he ran his fingers through his hair in hopes he would sit up, tickle Akaashi, and laugh it all off. Bokuto remained motionless through it all.

The serene sounds of the night were muddled and faded. The sounds of the ambulance, the sirens from police cars, and the screams of nearby passersby did nothing. He didn’t hear anything at all. Choking back tears, Akaashi put his ear to that broad chest to hear the familiar heartbeat he knew and loved.

Nothing at all.

\-----

“Kuroo-san, may I place a restraining order on you?”

Akaashi mumbled the request in vain as Kuroo grinned. The snarky upperclassman sat cross-legged in Akaashi’s apartment room along with Kenma Kosume who was now the same year as Keiji, a college freshman. The two had invaded his flat to deliver some meals for him and although he appreciated the thought, he could do without the social interaction.

“Now, now, don’t be difficult,” Kuroo said, placing an arm around Kenma’s shoulders while the latter continued playing his video games. “We brought you a little something along with the food.”

Akaashi would have begrudgingly asked for the purpose of their visit, but he was interrupted by a muffled bark. He instinctively froze in place and noticing, Kuroo smiled even wider. “Guess who we adopted for you?”

“No, Kuroo-san,” Akaashi replied, his voice wavering ever so slightly. “Please don’t.”

“Ta-dah!” As expected, Kuroo pulled “Bokuto” out of his bag, even bigger than he was the last time Akaashi saw him about a week or two ago. Akaashi stared incredulously at Kuroo for a while, actively avoiding making eye contact with the dog, and then turned to Kenma for support.

Not looking up from his game, Kenma shrugged and stated rather bluntly, “Bokuto-san missed you.”

As Akaashi sat on the floor with them, defeated, the duo stood up and made their way to the door to leave, leaving “Bokuto” on the bed. Akaashi started, getting up and begging them to take “Bokuto” with them, but to no avail. As Kuroo started to close the door behind them, he paused and then looked back into the apartment.

“You know, I…” he looked towards the floor, refusing to make eye contact with the former Fukurodani setter. “I blamed myself for that day too. I lost my best friend and I got really depressed over it. But, what I regret the most was leaving you alone for this long. I’m sure Bokuto would’ve told you that you didn’t need to be sorry. He’d probably just smile like the idiot he was and thank you for all the good times.” Kuroo smiled softly, remembering the trouble the two would get into together. He looked up at Akaashi who was fiddling with his fingers uncomfortably, but also listening attentively. Taking a deep breath, he looked the man directly in the eyes.

“Thank you,” Kuroo stated finally, his eyes glazing over with tears. There was a moment of silence before Kenma tugged on Kuroo’s vest, quietly murmuring his name and the two bowed and left without another word.

Akaashi stared at the door, feeling a part of his heart grow full. He had always assumed Kuroo despised him for that day and hearing otherwise was enough to send the tears trickling down his cheek. He heard a whimper behind him and turned to see the dog looking up at him, concerned for its owner’s wellbeing. He sighed, sitting down next to it on the bed and wiped away his tears with his sleeve. Pausing, he brought his knees up to his chest and burrowed his head in his arms.

“B… Bokuto-san,” he began, wondering if he was crazy for treating this puppy as if it were his late boyfriend. “I… I’m sorry for that day. I’m sorry for taking you out that night. I’m sorry for everything that I failed to do as your partn—”

A sharp growl resonated from “Bokuto”’s throat. Akaashi paused. He slowly turned to look at the dog and when he locked gazes with those amber eyes, it barked loud and clear.

“Is… is it okay?”

A bark.

“Are you upset with me?”

A low growl.

“Are you…” Akaashi knew he was asking for the impossible, but he couldn’t stop. He balled his fists up tightly and bit his lip. Fresh tears rolled down his face as he asked in a choked voice, “…happy you were with me?”

At this, the dog leapt into Akaashi’s lap, licking his face in an attempt to dry up the tears that now, would not stop flowing. “Bokuto” whimpered and whined with sounds that closely resembled how he used to call Keiji’s name. “Aaahhhh-ghhahh-eeeeee,” the last syllables vocalized in a high pitched whine.

Akaashi wept.

It was the first time in months he had cried out like this and yet, now that the river was flowing, he couldn’t stop it no matter how hard he tried. He bawled, “Bokuto” on his lap lapping up his tears at a consistent pace and whimpering in response to his periodic “Bokuto-san”s.

After a while, it died down and Akaashi sat there, “Bokuto” on his lap, sniffling audibly. At this, “Bokuto” rubbed his head against Akaashi’s neck, thoroughly content in being with his new owner.

Akaashi laughed at this, a genuine, real laugh. “Bokuto-san, you’re heavy.”

“Bokuto” groaned or rather, whined, at that statement, rubbing his head even harder into Akaashi’s chest setting off another round of giggles.

“Sorry, sorry,” Akaashi exhaled shakily, taking the dog’s face into his hands. Looking deeply into those amber eyes, he planted a firm kiss on top of “Bokuto”’s forehead and smiled. He lowered his forehead to touch the top of the puppy’s head and buried his face in its fur.

“Welcome home, Bokuto-san.”

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about what kind of death for Bokuto would kill Akaashi the most and I decided on a 'sudden' death. Having the 'noise' suddenly absent from his life without any words of reassurance ("last words") or repentance in Akaashi's case would break him slowly from the inside out.
> 
> Please don't kill me.  
> Kill me after I upload the one I did for the last day of Bokuaka Week. XD
> 
> In other words, first fanfic I've written in six years, but hopefully my ENG major hasn't abandoned me?  
> The 'talking dog' idea came from Mishka, the husky on Youtube, because I felt Bokuto would be very vocal as a puppy. I rushed the ending because I was running out of time to upload this on the day, but I hope you guys like it regardless! :D


End file.
